Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
