Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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