HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
