then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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