I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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