that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
