I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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