We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My dick has a subreddit
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
