remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
