I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I didn't notice because vodka
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
