he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
