I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
