evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
