My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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