That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.