I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
