she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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