So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
