My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
