I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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