After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
