before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
