yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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