So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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