glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
