hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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