Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
