Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
