I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
