He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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