Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
