A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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