Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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