I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
