My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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