We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I checked into jail on foursquare
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
