He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
