i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
