my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize