Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
