so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
