my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
