Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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