Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
