They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just want nice things and good sex
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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