A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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