I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
