we made out on top of his cat.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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