he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
