her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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