i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
why is half of my head shaved?
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