I accidentally had phone sex last night
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
