He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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