I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
