Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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